I used to think that I was strong. My biggest strengths were the capacity to isolate my emotions from the situation and the ability to passively accept what was happening. When my mom left us, and my dad got hit by a car, among other (more difficult) turmoils that came, I did not waste time pitying myself and asking why our situation was worse than others. I've always been immune to a sense of entitlement, to a sense of being cheated or short-handed by life and the world and just saw problems as what they are: things that needed solving. Sure, sometimes I'd waste a night or two just crying over these, but I only cried because I knew there was no avoiding pain, and that in a few months, life will have moved on so it was alright to be sad and cry.

I've never felt the need to disclose the details of my life to anyone - not Joanna, not Joey, I guess in some part my friend, Ador, but even that felt wrong after some point. I want to keep some things secret because these are the things I draw my strength and confidence from. Instead, I just let these experiences manifest themselves in my maturity and kindness. I had a secret satisfaction knowing I've gotten past more difficult things. I knew the value of kindness and helping whenever possible because during times of distress, every bit of it mattered.

Lately, however, I've been faring worse than usual. Instead of being collected, I've been all over the place, grasping at every bit of support that seems likely. I was able to rationalize what happened: we were both sincere, the ending doesn't change the fact that the last half year was great, he cares/cared for me, maybe it wasn't the right time, there's no use regretting because anything like this requires (and is worth the) risk and that, once made can never be taken back, that I loved (how far I've come, using this word!) and that I was loved.

Still do I find myself crying at random moments during the day, taking to social media to validate my feelings or look for attention, sending messages that are both too revealing and bordering on desperate --- these things ultimately make me feel worse about the situation and myself.

I really do care about this person. In fact, I still hold him in the highest regard. And if there is the slightest chance of keeping him in my life as a friend in the future without mitigating respect, I want that to materialize.

I guess it's time to confront this sadness by myself, be silent and listen to the thoughts that scream when I am all by myself and just weather through it, no matter how long and difficult the process is. There is, after all, no other way through but through.

I hope I find myself again in trying to be okay. I hope I don't lose you completely too. At the very least, I hope you don't forget, that once in a while you think of me only in a positive light. Because these steps - distance, silence, opening myself to the possibility of constant tears - are necessary, but after I'm through, I know I still won't find it in my heart to be anything but kind to you.