Took out my Magic Card deck earlier because I found out one of my cousins has been collecting for the past eight years or so. They asked me who gave the deck. A friend, I said. A friend. It's so hard to be with no labels, you cannot even validate what you had. Sure, we never publicly announced anything, but it certainly was more than friendship? Ah well, what does it matter now?

~

The late nights and the early mornings are difficcult; the in between's okay. All pain is private now.

Well, I don't think a lot of people know about this blog anyway, but posting it here for my own sake (for progression). Too lazy to cross-post what I've written in the other blog. So here are the links to the past four writings.

http://retortnaivete.tumblr.com/post/71552155322/i-used-to-have-a-lot-of-yahoo-messenger-contacts

http://retortnaivete.tumblr.com/post/70790442190/drank-one-too-many-beers-last-night-and-told-you

http://retortnaivete.tumblr.com/post/70565149744/donut-forget-i-said

http://retortnaivete.tumblr.com/post/69883969187/i-want-to-tell-you-this-story-without-having

I have another post coming which is NOT something about my recent and biggest predicament. For a change. Maybe tomorrow. :)

Saving

I've made a habit out of saving people. Now that I need some saving myself, I find that I'm alone..

I feel like I'm getting sucked in a black hole of depression  The people I rely on to listen to me or be there are all too busy with their own lives. I guess this is the difference between being in school and outside it: the things you used to talk about with people become trivialities as everyone is focused on furthering their own careers and moving on. Sure, a few platitudes here and there. After a while, I feel my sadnes becoming bothersome and tiring to the people I show it to, and so I'll be alone again with more feelings than I know what to do with.

I never imagined it would hurt this much. Perhaps the most painful thing to accept is the fact that he probably  doesn't care, when he's the one who dragged me into his mess of uncertainty.

I'm sad everyday, and it's not just the can't eat/forced smile/unenthusiastic kind of sadness. It's the cry every hour kind of sadness. It's the punching yourself to feel something else kind of sadness. It's the feeling your chest contract with pain kind of sadness. It's the tearing up in public kind of sadness. It's the withdrawing from the world because all they have to tell you is be happy when you can't will yourself to kind of sadness. It's the kind of sadness I won't wish upon anyone.

The other day, you said you had "so much feelings." I wonder if it's true. If it is, then I hope you can spare some for me, perhaps ease some of mine.

Everyone, including you, tells me it's okay, that I'll be fine, but you don't know that. All I know is this kind of hurt was undeserved.

You are confident that I will got through this because someone hurt you as much, if not more, before but let me tell you this: that was not my fault. I did not cause that. You didn't have to hurt me to make yourself feel better. Your getting through it doesn't justify the way I am hurting now. You can't just get into someone's life, tear down their defenses, and self-esteem and walk away saying everybody experiences heartbreak anyway, so it's okay, you'll get by. 

Every second is pain. I'm really not okay.

The worst part about not being okay is that everyone tells you to be. Everyone tells you it passes, and it does. Yet it hasn't yet for me, and all the comments about being stuck hurt all the more because I am aware I am stuck, and if there is anyone who wishes not to be stuck anymore it is me. I don't need to be told to be okay, I know that's what I have to be.

I am just not. I'm really not okay. And I haven't found a way to be yet. (Maybe one day I will be, but right now, all I need is an assurance that some part of you is missing me too.)

~

I hate that girl.

"Hey, are we being stupid?"

"I don't know, maybe we are."