Alien

Today:
(1) I ran twice the distance I normally run.
(2) I've been overcome by some explosion of cheese. And I'm sober.
(3) I decided I'll forget about you.
(4) I am actually considering some form of diet, as in contemplating actually lessening my food intake, a concept I have battled with for so long.


I therefore conclude that I have been secretly abducted by aliens in my sleep. I shall now go and look for the implant. I'll start by groping the back of my head.

Sentiment is a defect found on the losing side. I have covered up my sadness with words and the constant search for distraction but there are nights even noise cannot salvage. And, darling, this, this is just losing.

Fourth of September

Tonight I have unearthed the beginnings of a declaration of a stake that has stretched to twenty eight passing of the moon. How does one make another listen to silence? I was hoping it was possible to draw you to the emptiness of my words. I suppose you never really do linger long enough to notice. Instead you bid goodnight with the slightest of sounds, resembling that of a small flame being doused, like a final crackle before it is put out. The quietest fizz signal your departure. Could you not have spared a word?


I remember it all too well: the clue pretending to misdirect, the most ardent of invitations, the utterances that were so foreign in its warmth. Fire sure has its glitter. It must have made me blind. I am still groping for the heat long after it has burnt out.

Packets

...of sugar and cream. I put four of each in my now-cooling cup of coffee. It has been three hours of aimless work here in Katipunan. There are less people than I anticipated, and less urgent. None of the usual hysterics, just occasional stolen naps and trays of black coffee.

The first thing I will do after writing this is pray. Plead the Universe to grant me another chance for I fear that I am the author of my own undoing. Even as I plan this, I know there is a chance my situation may have degenerated so badly as to be irreversible. I sincerely hope I can trade sleep in the coming days for a miracle to come my way as it has several times in the past.

I'll pray for hope and faith. What is stopping me is not mere indolence, but a fear of failure. Of course, the tragedy is this immobility may be bringing me the very failure I want so badly to avoid. May the Universe imbibe me with enough hope in the future, enough faith in hard work and dedication to always strive.

I'll pray for silence because I have lost myself in the echoes of my own words. I've been hearing nothing but my own voice and uneducated guesses of others, learning nothing. I'll pray for the humility and will to listen and discover myself and the things that matter.

I'll pray for humility and kindness, the very things I feel I am lacking. May I get over my self-serving beliefs of burning bridges and passing on judgment. I think forgiveness is harder to understand than anger. May the Lord grant me chances to make amends, and to pardon.

I'll pray for opportunities to earn for my family, to make the most out of the talents I have been generously given, to learn for myself, to build relationships with others, to improve and be better, to thank Him more meaningfully, to rest and admire.

I'll pray for assistance and second chances. He has been too kind and yet I have taken things for granted. I hope I can still turn this around starting tonight (er, this morning?). May He grant me another leeway after the million others from before.

I'll pray or strength because more and more I learn I cannot rely on my own understanding and abilities.

And if I'm being honest, I'll pray for the improbable again tonight. :) For persistence to bloom into good stories, for sacrifices to be meaningful, for friendships to be kept.

And maybe after I pray, I can begin rearranging my life, fixing myself, working on my plans.

But not before thanking Him. The very thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that despite the absurdity of my wishes, the arrogance of my inconsistency, the nature of my unworthiness and the unworthiness of my nature, the frailty of my faith and the recurring weakness of my resolve is that He is a God who gives and gives and gives.

Tawad, limot, langit, 'di na uulit.