Missing

I was writing a long post about my affections spanning five years but that seems very irrelevant now, because more than the (elemental) pain, is the pain of missing my Lolo.

I really miss him. Sometimes I would imagine myself back at the hospital still keeping him company. I wish I had written more about the things we talked about just so I could read about them. I cold attempt writing them now but it would be different. I want to read about our conversations and what I thought back then, back then when losing him was just a possibility and not yet a fact, and I had room for hope so persistent (and in the privacy of my own thoughts, quite sure).

Hi, Lolo.  I wish heaven had a way to browse the blogosphere because there are so many things I would like to tell you. When it's just the two of us, I dared tell you about my day, details that were so trivial and quite irrelevant to you but you always listened attentively. Once, you even tried and pretended to read my borrowed copy of Theology and Sanity because you were listening to me talk about the little discoveries and progress I was making in my faith.

Well, if there is a way, I would like you to know that I have a lot of plans for this year to make myself financially-independent and productive and able to help other people. I also plan to take up swimming and running again. Earlier, while strugging to complete my lap around UP, I thought of your Manong Ramon, knowing he was a runner, and I think it helped motivate me to run a few meters more before catching my breath.

I would also like to tell you that I took the entrance test to law school. We shared that dream, Lolo. I am not sure I did well in teh exam but I am still hoping I qualify and move on. I also plan to teach, like you, Lolo. :) Let's see how that one pans out.

The possibility of these plans materializing makes me hopeful and happy, although it would be a million times better if you were here to listen to me yourself. Perhaps, I'd also tell you that I am a bit let down by an expectation at the moment. I know you won't say it but would think that it is unfair of me to wish away the happiness of other people just because their happiness does not involve me. I know that is the proper way of looking at it.

I really miss you, Lolo, and I sometimes wish there was a way of not missing people because sometimes the feeling is overwhelming. A part of me feels incomplete and the tragedy is knowing there is no way it will ever be filled, because that part is gone, lost, missing. Missing. There's an apt term.