What’s funny about people is when they see a girl who wears eyeglasses, they immediately conclude she is intelligent. I, having worn thick glasses before, have to keep on repeating the story of my premature birth and prolonged artificial incubation to explain that no, my vision problem was not a by-product of nights spent scouring the encyclopedias although the Nancy Drews, Agatha Christies and Ken Follets may have aggravated it. Regardless of my attempt to make them reconsider their first impression, though, I end up being the "deep" girl who knows a lot, which I found (and still find) to be extremely problematic because my idea of intelligence goes far beyond solving equations and delivering speeches and even grade point averages, but I digress.
I recall a strange and embarrassing instance from high school when I was asked about something and I replied I had no clue. A friend gasped in an utterly shameless manner and breathed, “may hindi ka pala alam!"
Ironically, though, while, to them, I appear to have known it all, I have the uncanny ability to appear clueless, lost and confused when I want (and need) to. This comes handy during compromisingly embarrassing and uncomfortable situations such as discussions of lewd matters. While I plucked up enough gall to enforce maturity and aplomb whenever this particular topic is raised - that is to entertain it intelligently as long as it doesn’t exceed a particular degree of vulgarity and not mouth scandalized, puritan comments -I found it is easier to fake innocence so that I wouldn’t be expected to react to the matter. Talk about learned ignorance. But more than conversations about the many disgusting ways (or, er, styles shet) by which humans reproduce, it is the knowledge about people’s behavior I pretend to not have absorbed.
It comes so easily. This friend who has a tendency to be reproachful because of an acquired sense of self-righteousness that is so bloated there’s no sense informing him/her about it (He/she wouldn’t listen). This other perfectionist who wants to be praised to compensate for his/her frustrations of being left behind regardless of historic efforts. This other person’s self-imposed sense of mystery, a response to the lack of personal identity and the desire to be more interesting. This person’s overconfidence, which manifests itself to his/her refusal to accept criticisms, reproach or remark which he/she justifies as having his/her own say, regardless. It’s one thing to be opinionated and another to be plain stubborn. And this guy’s (annoyed me to the point I am willing to disclose his gender) attempt at being cool by pretending to be what he is so obviously not (i.e. the deep, reflective, pondering kind who actually drives at something close to the truth).
In the end it is easier to act as if I do not know a friend is hurting regardless of his/her admirable effort to show he/she isn't because of pride and self-respect. It’s more convenient to act as if you are happy that he/she is not affected by something you know he/she invested so much emotion into. When I am confronted with things that cause me or others discomfort, things that threaten our self-made reassurance that we are inscrutable, sometimes I find it practical to respond with gullibility. Reply innocence, retort naïveté.
After all, I might need that same act of kindness someday. I might need someone to feign not seeing through the mask of indifference and compartmentalized expertise I’ve led myself to believe I wear so well.
This is just poker.
I recall a strange and embarrassing instance from high school when I was asked about something and I replied I had no clue. A friend gasped in an utterly shameless manner and breathed, “may hindi ka pala alam!"
Ironically, though, while, to them, I appear to have known it all, I have the uncanny ability to appear clueless, lost and confused when I want (and need) to. This comes handy during compromisingly embarrassing and uncomfortable situations such as discussions of lewd matters. While I plucked up enough gall to enforce maturity and aplomb whenever this particular topic is raised - that is to entertain it intelligently as long as it doesn’t exceed a particular degree of vulgarity and not mouth scandalized, puritan comments -I found it is easier to fake innocence so that I wouldn’t be expected to react to the matter. Talk about learned ignorance. But more than conversations about the many disgusting ways (or, er, styles shet) by which humans reproduce, it is the knowledge about people’s behavior I pretend to not have absorbed.
It comes so easily. This friend who has a tendency to be reproachful because of an acquired sense of self-righteousness that is so bloated there’s no sense informing him/her about it (He/she wouldn’t listen). This other perfectionist who wants to be praised to compensate for his/her frustrations of being left behind regardless of historic efforts. This other person’s self-imposed sense of mystery, a response to the lack of personal identity and the desire to be more interesting. This person’s overconfidence, which manifests itself to his/her refusal to accept criticisms, reproach or remark which he/she justifies as having his/her own say, regardless. It’s one thing to be opinionated and another to be plain stubborn. And this guy’s (annoyed me to the point I am willing to disclose his gender) attempt at being cool by pretending to be what he is so obviously not (i.e. the deep, reflective, pondering kind who actually drives at something close to the truth).
In the end it is easier to act as if I do not know a friend is hurting regardless of his/her admirable effort to show he/she isn't because of pride and self-respect. It’s more convenient to act as if you are happy that he/she is not affected by something you know he/she invested so much emotion into. When I am confronted with things that cause me or others discomfort, things that threaten our self-made reassurance that we are inscrutable, sometimes I find it practical to respond with gullibility. Reply innocence, retort naïveté.
After all, I might need that same act of kindness someday. I might need someone to feign not seeing through the mask of indifference and compartmentalized expertise I’ve led myself to believe I wear so well.
This is just poker.
loving the way you write. very clean. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks. :)
ReplyDelete